I am not fishing.

I felt like beauty was being attacked today and yesterday. Why DOES this happen to women? Is our beauty so terrible a thing to the enemy that he must tear us down behind every unsuspecting corner? Are our outward appearances so fearsome to the devil? I want to say 'no. outward appearances do not matter and it's what's in the heart' That is true in a way, but I CAN'T accept that as the FULL truth of what's going on spiritually.

BECAUSE when I feel my clothes do not fit from weight gain or probably just from dryer shrinkage problems, my immediate thought is : "Geez what is wrong with ME? I have such a problem with food. I have no self-control. Food is my idol. I thought I was getting better with this." Then my thoughts progress to thoughts of skipping meals and wanting to fit into my jeans from when I was 13. AND WITHIN A FEW MINUTES' TIME, I have talked myself into an anorexic attitude. By the grace of God, when these thoughts transform like this my warrior-hero-Love intercedes to speak truth back into my spirit of how I am a carefully made piece of his creation. But what does someone do if they do not know this truth?!

THIS tells me of this deep deep deeply rooted spiritual issue. And how important it is to ignore our culture's view on beauty. It is safe to say you can remove most of it's advice about being beautiful from your mind. But even if I grew up in a place apart from mirrors or pop culture, I believe I would still struggle with the issue of being desired and sought after and utterly captivating. Because let's face it, WOMEN ARE BEAUTIFUL CREATURES. We are enthralling! WE are ! We are ! If you are reading this and thinking 'yeah so many are, but there are exceptions to everything, and i would be that exception.' That is a lie that the devil has convinced you is true. Or maybe you read that and thought 'yeah I am pretty, but i'm not anything to stare at.' Although that is far more subtle and clever lie by the devil, that TOO is NOT the truth.

Ask God what he thinks of your face? Ask him--I dare you. i swear you will not be disappointed.

When i went home a few weeks ago, I was telling my mom how I was frustrated because none of my professors remembered my name. and I told her that I didn't blame them because I just have one of those forgettable plain faces. (You have to know my heart when I was saying this, I truly believed it. I was not saying this to fish for a compliment, I was just talking without thinking about my words.) My mom looked at me with a concerned face and said "THAT is not true." And tears welled up in my eyes because I realized I had been tricked into thinking I was just another face in the crowd, nothing special, nothing to remember. If you have ever felt this way, can I be my mother for a second and renounce the lies poured into our heads. YOU radiate. YOUR smile lights the entire room. The stars cannot compare to YOUR shining eyes. You, my dear, are beautiful.

If this spoke to you or you need prayer or if you have advice to give on this issue, please feel free to leave an anonymous comment below.

Wild Fire.

I will never know the Lord enough. For a thousand ways, He is so dang attractive because of this. Because his LOVE and his HEART are worth getting to know deeper and

deeper and

deeper and

d

e

e

p

e

r

.

For class I read ancient epics of multiple gods whom are swayed with human emotions and weakness. And I often look up from my reading to remark on how hopeless life would be without my God, without the hope for salvation, without a peace that surrounds you in the dead of night all alone. Because even in times when I had strayed from God and felt at the bottom of the dark valley, I knew God would pick me back up and brush me off and we could start over again. What hope is there without the hand of the father, the grace of our Jesus, and the comfort of the Spirit? Many believe it is only a story. a story! a story! a story! I have written stories. Stories have an up and a middle and a down and a solution and a conclusion. Fictional stories are created to show a greater truth about unattainable ideas like love or pride or death or truth. THE LOVE OF GOD IS NOT just a story. Fictional or nonfictional stories speak of truth. But God is truth speaking truth. Truth breathing truth breathing truth. Father, Spirit, Son.

I don't know where I am going with this.

God, show me how to share your love.

God God God is filling up this place!

Two days ago I decided I need to go to Nicaragua this spring with our Harvest Vineyard church in Ames. Yesterday a 'missionary' on central campus told me that God would never call anyone to go to college, and because of this I wasn't a true follower of Jesus. When I told him of my Nicaraguan plans he told me that mission work in ALL of Central America is unaccepted right now, and that the only place to go to is South America. I do not know the heart of this married couple or their family, but I pray in the holy, righteous name of Jesus that they did not preach their message to anyone else on the Iowa State campus. THank you, God for discerning ears and hearts for YOUR truth.

ON a BRIGHTER side, yesterday morning and the night before that, I prayed that God would give me words to speak to strangers and that I was a light in a dark place. Having a more intrinsic, introvert personality, it is difficult for me buck up the gumption to talk to people all the time. But I prayed that God opened not-awkward opportunities for Him to be a presence in people's lives through me.

Amazingly enough (I say that sarcastically and literally), yesterday was a hilarious day of talking to strangers ALL. DAY. LONG. And I didn't even initiate HALF of them! I talked to a 70 year old lady about the weather and how it was time to break open the chili, and she told me all about her daughter and her son-in-law wanting to go camping before it got too cold. Then I felt called to go and talk to those 'missionaries' on campus; which I did for around 25 minutes--I shook their hands and left GLADLY because they were not speaking biblical truths. After that I talked to a friend who I haven't talked to in a long time (that isn't a big deal I realize obviously, except the past few days I had been too afraid of awkwardness for some reason). Then I hugged a weeping stranger girl because she fell off her bike and she was afraid her computer was broken. Then I told a different friend that I missed talking to her. I also raised my hand to answer questions in all my classes. Then I talked to a chef about sushi for a while. Then a random group of boys told me I looked good in purple and I told them 'thank you' and then they laughed like as if it was a joke--but I do look good in purple so I didn't see what was so funny.

That last one was supposed to be jokey. But it really did happen.

Moral of the story: when you ask God, you receive. I asked God to help me talk to strangers and not be so awkward all the time, and he, in turn, opened up endless doors to practice this newfound skill.

Second conviction: The world needs to know us quieter folk. If you struggle with self-worth regarding your voice, practice by speaking up! God loves to hear your thoughts and desires.

I love you. and 1000x1000x1000 more, He loves you.

My Rocky Mountain Challenge

So friday night something cool happened, so I feel inclined to share the story. But first let me say that God has been training in prophecy and showing me which voice in my head is His. His still, quiet voice tells of things too beautiful and hopeful for me to think of on my own. For

example, (this isn't the cool story I want to tell but this is an example of what God has been doing) right when I got into bed one night last week I was thinking about how fun it is having my new bike at school, and

thanking God that he gave that gift to me; but when I was dozing off I kept having these visions of me crashing my bike or getting hit by a car. And then I thought, 'oh my mom is probably right, I should get a helmet so that I don't crack my head open while riding my bike around.' And I sent a text message to myself that said 'buy a helmet' so I wouldn't forget. So I was a little more awake than before so I got out my bible and asked God what he wanted me to read. And he said 'Ezekiel' and I asked him any particular chapter and he said '3' and then I thought he just wanted me to read the whole chapter so I was opening up my bible and then I heard him say '9.' so I said 'okay, I'll go to Ezekiel 3:9. I was thinking it would probably be a verse from God about starting something new because of the new school year or something like that. But when I read it, I just started laughing/crying at God's comforting father-like character. The first part of Ezekiel 3:9 is 'i will make your forehead harder than any rock so do not be afraid.' haha, doesn't that just make you laugh joyfully?? I hadn't even asked for any sort of comfort for my previous fear of crackin' my head open from my bicycle, and yet he provided.

Anyways, so God has been doing cool things like that for me this week. But the story I REALLY wanted to share is what happened friday night.

There was a worship concert on central campus and Shane and Shane were playing and I was telling God that I thought it is difficult to worship with such distraction (because ever since my fast has begun I have been tempted twice as much as I have ever been). So I was praying "God help, I want to just worship you. How can I move forward when the world's tempting claws are pulling me backwards." And then I heard his voice say 'You just have to keep going. keep climbing.'

Then he brought me to this place I had never been before. I was all of the sudden hundreds of feet into the air on the side of a mountain. And he showed me how far I have climbed or metaphorically how far i have come from the bottom. And then he said when you are climbing sometimes you have to stop and turn toward me and my beauty and strength for the will to keep climbing up the mountain (which is a symbol for my fast). So i just stared at this beautiful vision he was giving me of this picturesque landscape with the sunrising and tipping the tops of the trees with gold. And I was praising him for this gorgeous place on the side of the mountain and i was resting in this place and telling him how i love being up here with him and thanked him for putting me on a fast so I can be closer to him. But then I asked him -- 'But God, your word says that in your name we can move mountains, we can throw them into the sea, so why am i climbing up this obstacle?" And his response made me joyful 'You do not want to throw this mountain into the sea. On the other side of this mountain your Beloved is climbing up too. You cannot see him, and he cannot see you, you cannot speak to him and he cannot speak to you, but when you are both ready you will meet at the same place on top of the mountain. This is why it is important to stay the course and do not look for

others and to keep climbing.'

So at this point, I was at first incredibly joyful and it gave me such hope for God's plan. But in a matter of seconds that joy morphed to doubt. I became afraid that I was breaking my fast by thinking of the future, and questioning my vision if it was from God. Because I was thinking God was the one who told me to not make future plans regarding men -- so why would he show me a vision about him.

It was then I opened my eyes and recognizing I was back at the shane and shane concert, and thinking that I had once again let my thoughts get carried away with false hope. But then God confirmed his word through something very real. Directly in front of me was a guy's back of his tshirt that said 'rocky mountain challenge--humility, adventure, trust, and dependence' and then it had a picture of a mountain with climbers on it.

Then I laughed and was joyful again because I knew the vision was from God and not from myself. Then God began to confirm in other ways that He had provided. Last summer when we were driving to Colorado, I asked God for a song about my future spouse and he gave me the song 'meet you there' by augustana and I never understood it because it has the f-word in it and the lyrics do not make sense. But the first line of the song is 'climb up a mountain' and the chorus is "when the world is right, i'll drive all night, and meet you there someday." The rest of the song's lyrics still do not make sense but I think God was just confirming his promise in my life.

So it is an uphill battle and it is teaching me: adventure, dependence, humility, and trust. But I am learning more about the LORD during my rocky mountain challenge.

Dancing.

Sunflowers turn

their heads toward

the Sun,

from east

to west

every day.

the Sun's rising

and f a l l

i

n

g

in your world is false.

the Sun is carrying and revolving and

spinning gninnips spinning

you orbit about the dancefloor fire.

Hold on tight, little flower.

Just thoughts.

I would like to explain my current life in simple terms through my humble eyes:

My baby-man brother starts his high school experience in roughly eight hours. In a few days I am moving back to Ames for another year of college. Today I spent time in a coffee shop editing photographs of a beautiful married and pregnant couple. There was a coffee man who sang to every song that came on the oldies radio--including 'Let's get it on.' He wore a hat. I was entertained. In two days, it will be a month anniversary of my year fast of men. My sister took the limo service to Chicago; the driver's hair and teeth were pearl white. My best friend is moved back to school already; she has already had her second day of work at her new job. My mother painted the front of our house the exact shade of my eyes, an earthy green. I told her green was my favorite color, so I couldn't be happier with the change. Tomorrow, I will help her with the rest of the house. Yesterday, I bought a brand new guitar named Jasmine. She is wooden like a tree but she rings like a bell; I like her. She is the third guitar I have owned in a little over a month, due to two previous broken ones.

But amidst all these trivial and monumental moments I couldn't help but feeling stagnant. On sunday, I laid in the grass staring at this group of clouds. I had never seen clouds so still. motionless. stationary. They spread across the blue sky like unmoving spilt milk. I almost cried over the spilt milk in the sky and how it mirrored my own life currently. Everyone else scurrying about in search for a towel or a mop while I motionlessly ponder this incident. I want to be moving about like my friends and my family and my God.

I do not have a solution or an answer tonight. Let me know if you do.

"Where is your faith?"

There is Peace in this storm.

He is just below deck somewhere, sleeping.

I'd like to join Him--find warmth next to His side, under His arm.

But I can't.

These whale-infested waves are scaling higher,

shattering and leeching ice beneath my skin. And the captain,

the captain is prophesying our death, capsizing our sinking spirits.

But who is this man sleeping within the torrent,

disobeying the screaming wind?

Who is this still dreaming amidst our nautical peril?

There is Peace nearby,

I think I'll wake Him up.