Moral dilemma: being willing vs. action.
I have this problem with my words not lining up with my actions -- and I really am beginning to hate it. Example:
Me--God, I want to serve your people.
God--Then, GO!
Me--I'm scared.
God--(silence).
And then, conversation OVER.
I have to pray against inaction in myself. In some ways, slowing down and doing the logical thing has been really great for the situation and I have NOT regretted things because I have stopped myself before they happen. IN OTHER WAYS, it has led to even more sin by ignoring the command of caring for "the least of these." And I really am a hypocrite about this because I get frustrated by the lack of action in other people -- so I should be even MORE appalled by my own sloth-like move toward helping someone other than myself. The moments I have felt closest to God are ones that have required me opening the door when I hear his knocking -- unlike the women in song of songs who waits a while and then when she finally makes it to the door, her lover is gone. I mean the difference here is that I think God waits at the door and keeps knocking -- but OPPORTUNITIES ARE MISSED BY MY INACTION, or by placing other priorities above the HOLY ONE's.
I mean, even now, I enjoy sitting in my dorm room writing a blog entry rather than going out in the world and being brave and socializing and spreading THE ULTIMATE love. Honestly, it's more COMFORTABLE on my baby couch with my blankie and an ice pack for my recently-broken-neck. (sidenote: my neck is not actually broken, but yesterday all the muscles on the left side contracted and stayed that way.) But who wants a life that is made up of COMFORTABLE MOMENTS?! I don't. Who wants a life of air-conditioning mediocrity when God is offering a life of sweaty, rainy, hot LOVE and COMPASSION and SELFLESSNESS?? I want my days to squeeze me dry of ALL of the LOVE Christ has placed in my heart. I want God himself to say: "Well done, good and faithful servant!" right before I fall asleep every night. Purposeful living! He is going to love me the same either way, but I want to PLEASE THE ONE I LOVE. I do not believe in a faith-based-on-works God, but gahLLEEEY, I want to live a life of dedication to HIM and to LOVING others.
"For this reason i also suffer these things, but i am not ashamed; for i know whom i have believed and i am convinced that He is able to guard what i have entrusted to Him until that day."
"Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that the family of believers throughout the world is undergoing the same kind of sufferings. and the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself RESTORE YOU and make you strong, firm and steadfast. To him be the power for ever and ever. amen."
"Remember those earlier days after you had received the light, when you endured in a great conflict full of suffering. Sometimes you were publicly exposed to insult and persecution; at other times you stood side by side with those who were so treated. You suffered along with those in prison and joyfully accepted the confiscation of your property, because you knew that you yourselves had better and lasting possessions. So do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded. You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised."
I'm an English major who is sick and tired of words. They have become (empty) and hollow and concave and CHEAP. Awaken me from this sedated death-like sleep! Be ALIVE in me, God!
