God lives.

God is expanding his presence in my life. I can hear his voice again crystal clear. Last night when I was opening up my bible (because I hadn't in a while) I asked him to encourage to me through his word. He told me Isaiah 41. "Don't be afraid, for I AM your God. I WILL strengthen you and help you. I WILL hold you up with my victorious right hand."

He is my God. He is strengthening me and helping me. He is holding me up with his victorious hand. Can you imagine a stronger more trustworthy more perfect hand holding you up?

Tonight, we were swimming. And because of my challenges vertically, there were places in the pool where I could not reach and if I did not know how to swim and if I would have been alone, I could have drowned. But of course, I have known how to swim since I was 5 years old. But I imagined God could have saved me multiple ways. Because his right hand holds me up, I imagined his hand pushing me up into the air, up into the oxygen I needed for life. I imagined him underwater with his outstretched hand, giving his life to keep me above water. But he already did this on the Cross, so I knew that wasn't accurate.

But then I thought about how he provided me with the knowledge of swimming to keep from drowning. Although I know God could have brought in his hand physically like that, what if, instead, he used the years of practice I did in previous times in my life?

And then I thought about this year and this fasting and this time-tithe to the Lord. How much greater is it that he is having me learn this way, rather than just providing the correct emotions/mindset/heart toward him and toward a possible spouse. It's like having to work all year, rather than winning the lottery with the same amount of annual income. I'd choose the work. Jesus endured all 40 days of suffering and temptation on earth with demons as companions, to prove his perfection. God is proving to me that I can be worthy enough to be called Christ-like. I will not reach perfection, but I can run the race. "Don't you realize that in a race everyone runs, but only one person gets the prize? So run to win! All athletes are disciplined in their training. They do it to win a prize that will fade away, but we do it for an eternal prize. So I run with purpose in every step. I discipline my body like an athlete." (1 Corinthians 9) I want to wake up every morning to run to God even when I don't feel like it. To offer any kind of surrender of sin or of self to God in order for him to fill up any dark place within me, to fill up any hole within.

To fully submit myself to God as a wife would to a husband. "The wife gives authority over her body to her husband, and the husband gives authority over his body to his wife." (1 Corinthians 7) Jesus offers us his body over and over again: "Jesus took some break and gave thanks to God for it. Then he broke it in pieces and said, 'This is my body, which is given for you.'" (1 Corinthians 11) Paul commands in Corinthians 7 for the submission to be mutual. If I am married to the Lord, then every single day I want to offer my life to him, that he is free to use me for his will. These are my vows.

Come Away by United Pursuit Band - a word from the Lord.

Come away with me, come away.

It's never too late. It's not too late for you.

I have a plan for you. I have a plan.

It's gonna be wild.

It's gonna be great.

It's gonna be fully me.

A PROMISE-so be it.

This is personal. If it was up to me, I wouldn't share this in my blog. But when the Lord compels us, do we really have a choice? The answer to this is yes of course, but why would I want to deny something the LORD of the UNIVERSE is compelling me to do?

First, an explanation. If you know me at all you know I love men. I love man friends. I love brothers. I love old men. I love young men. I love sons. I just love 'em all -- not in a creepy way but in an admiring way. I love their brave, wild hearts. I love their natural craving for adventure.

But for years now, there has been a terrible habitual pattern taking place in my heart: every time a new man walked in my life, I walked out of God's arms. It was like clockwork. New guy, no Jesus. New crush, no Bible. New close man friend-i-thought-could-be-husband-potential, no more quiet time with the true LOVER of my soul. And it ALL LED TO HEARTACHE. I wish I didn't have to be this honest, but there is no holding back confessing this kind of truth.

So after another round of this heartache this summer, I knew God was going to soon convict me of something big, really challenging, but worth it all. After seeing Christ-followers in Colorado who were willing to give their lives for God overseas, something in my heart changed. I suddenly knew that if God asked me to be a martyr for him, I would. But here's the strange catch, I became willing to give my life to him til death, but I was STILL holding on to the fact that I wanted to get married and have all my sons. That doesn't make any sense really, but just understand that is where my heart was at.

After worship Friday morning, the Spirit kept saying to me "I am here. I can't leave you. You are not alone." Just all these different phrases about how I was not alone. (Note: all this freaked me out because I knew God was going to soon ask me to do something which involve me feeling alone or solitary.) So on the drive home sunday, I was thanking God for the amazing trip and all that jazz, and asking him how can I stay close with him this coming school year with all the distractions of schoolwork, and of course, men. I kept asking him for a solution for me to be able to love Him and a man. I was asking him this over and over again, but I kept shutting down God's voice anytime he would try to speak, because he was going to say something I didn't want to hear.

(Yesterday) Monday morning came, and I felt at the bottom of a pit of despair. It was this incredible heavy ache within me and clogged my thoughts and my will. THIS led to me finally truly turning to God in surrender and asking his WILL be done completely in my life. Then, at last, I let him speak.

He asked me to have a year long fast of men. Sacrificing emotional attachments, dating, crushes, creating future marriage plans in my head, EVERYTHING for a year. This meant if someone were to ask me if I wanted to get married and have children me replying, no. And then he told me, in turn for me giving him those things, HE would expand my world. Then, he asked me if I was in. The God of All was holding out his hand like Aladdin and saying "do you trust me?" (And yes, I totally referenced God to a middle-eastern cartoon character just then) I hesitated. And I told him I would think about it, because I didn't want to commit to something I wouldn't follow through with, and He said "fair enough."

So yesterday throughout the day, God kept reminding me of things He had shown me in the past that were coming together to make sense now. I had been reading a book where the guy took a year off to KNOW the Lord. Really to know him, in the biblical way, inside out. And also God had told me once that my relationship with my future spouse was like a pearl. That it was going to be tossed around and scraped and shook and formed into something else entirely before it was ready to be removed from its place into a beautiful pearl. So on my way home, I knew I was going to commit to this deal, but I didn't know how it was possible because this would mean (in my eyes) that I would be lonely for an entire year. But then, Baylee came over and gave me something perfect for my birthday. It was a promise from the Lord that He and I could do this thing together and it was going to be amazing. Baylee had been praying for me (while we were in different states mind you) and got a word for me from the Lord saying, "I Promise I will never leave." Then she created this piece of art with pearls and keys and pages of an antique book that says this word. I am looking at it now hanging from my window just amazed at its effect on me. Every time I have come into my room looked at that, I have been filled with peace. Here's why: God is all about PROMISEs. If you do not know this, read the Bible. God likes people who make promises and keeps them. God makes promises and keeps them. He fulfills any PROMISE to his people that he has previously establishes. and the God of the universe is saying, I want you to take off a year of men, because I want you to be fully devoted to me and I PROMISE I will never leave. I PROMISE I will not look at you a few months from now struggling with this fasting and then just walk away. "I PROMISE I will never leave."

So, why I am sharing all this to my internet journal which is often publicized by my sister and my facebook profile? Because I need accountability. If you read this, know that I HUMBLY admit I need prayer for this endeavor, not only to give up on men but to use this time to solely get to know the Lord again. And who knows what will come of all this. Maybe after a year God will say okay another year. Or maybe after a year, God will ask for seven more years. Or maybe God will tell me I am ready to meet whoever he has for me. I do not know, and I know he will not tell me til the time is right. But in this conviction is another truth, God has said this will be the last man. In my past, I thought that I would date loads of people before I was married; but I no longer feel this way. I believe God is saying, if it his will I ever marry, that it will be the next man after the fast is over, however long that may be. Perhaps, that is why I was so worried about being waited for in my previous entry. Everything is piecing together; that is another sign this is all from the Lord.

And if you are reading this and you like someone or are dating someone KNOW that there is no condemnation in Christ Jesus. And that I don't believe this is the right way to live, I think God knows I need a strict diet of him without men emotionally involved, in order to change me. BUT KNOW THAT NOT EVERYONE IS THIS WAY.

So today is the end of the first day of the year of our Lord -- just 364 more to go -- KIDDING, I am not counting down. I was telling God that I wish I could go to an all girls school for the next year. He told me that that would give me no opportunity to learn from being tempted. For an example, it is much more of a beautiful thing for an alcoholic to give up on drinking not because he is stuck on an island with no alcohol, but because he is a bartender and he wants to kick the addiction square in the jaw with his abstinence. In other words, if I was not tempted then that would not make this year much of testimony at all.

Anyways. Now that I have written all this down, I would like feedback, in my vulnerability I ask for your vulnerability. If you read this, please leave an anonymous comment below on your opinion/prayer of this matter.

God PROMISES to never leave us. So be it.