abort.

Last night I had a strange dream. And it was prophetic for this day.

I dreamt that I was married and pregnant. Now, you have to know that this is not strange for me. Constantly I have dreams that I have a baby or I am pregnant; I don't know why that is except that God has given me the gift to be a mother to others when they have needed it. In all these dreams, I am overcome with the love I have for the child, or the baby. They are usually my prize possessions and in my dream I'd die for them. But this dream was different. Much different. With different research about prophetic dream interpretation, often times it is more about the emotion or attitude in the dream, rather than the subject of the dream. I think this was the case of my dream last night.

I did not want the child within me. It was disgusting to me. It was going to ruin my life, my plans for Sudan, my reputation. It was going to prevent me from living my life. And I planned ways how to get rid of it; I wanted to overdose on alcohol or some drug. I wanted it aborted from me. I was ashamed, but I did not care.

And then I woke up. I thought it was just a bad and weird dream; I forgot about it. But today I started battling old fights, old scars resurfaced. Creeping impulsive suicidal thoughts invaded my hurting heart. simple selfish thoughts, numb thoughts that I was trying to fight but couldn't. And that little baby from my dream came back to me. And as I told God that I didn't want to talk to him. That I was hurting and He couldn't help me. As I told Him that I didn't want Him to love me, that I didn't see how this was going to work. The thought of not wanting that child came back to the top of my brain. And I couldn't get the thing out of my mind. Why had I wanted to kill it? It was very atypical. So finally I asked God what the dream meant because I knew He wasn't going to quit until I knew.
And He told me who the baby was:

me.

And I said, "No that's not right, why would I want to kill myself, to kill the me within me?"

And He said, "You tell me. Why would you want to abort the beautiful woman I am creating within you?"

I do not understand the Lord. I do not understand why things like this happen, why I am so weak to let these thoughts get so far inside me, why I am so self-consumed and selfish? I wish I wasn't.

But I know we are in a battle. It's a fight. And there those who get lost in the mud.
A song from my past by Warren Barfield said, "Love is not a fight, but it's something worth fighting for." A life with Christ is not war-driven, but there are arrows shot by the enemy,
aimed to kill,
straight for the heart.

Humble yourselves, therfore, under God's mighty hand, that He may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know your brothers throughout the world are undergoing the same kind of sufferings. And the God of all Grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast. To him be the power forever and ever. Amen.
1 Peter 5:6-11

prodigal

i asked for my whole plate of food

i was still full

so it meant nothing

absolutely nothing

i threw it out the car window

as i sped off

i didnt know later

id be hungry

screaming mad hungry

my sunken eyes scanning the walls

waiting clicking stomping

for time to pass

staring at my feet

recounting scars and blemishes

on each arm and leg

each rib bone protruding

from my thin skin

just waiting for a meal

the next meal

the next rush

the next high

to fill me

to fill ME

to fiLL ME

TO FILL ME

as if it was only about me

well guess what GOD

i AM hungry now for what YOU have

i am

i have nothing

i have tried to eat so many things

none of them were good for me

i tried to eat approval

i tried to eat good looks

i tried to eat dating

i tried to eat relationships

i tried to eat money

i tried to eat work

i tried to eat my emotions my highs

i tried to eat my weight

i tried to eat music

i tried to eat old dreams

I TRIED TO INGEST that SIN

but I AM STILL HUNGRY

SO very HUNGRY

I DONT WANT TO KEEP EATING

EATING

EATING MY SIN

that food eats at ME

my insides are more hollow

more empty than ever before

but NOT anymore LORD

im quitting that stuff

in faith i say

that the crumbs from your plate

are enough

father

even your servants

have food and a place to sleep at night

anything is better than this pigsty

i have landed in

i wanna come home dad