Confessions.

Warning! You may be offended by honesty.

Things only God can love:

1.)

2.) I have pride issues with thinking I'm right. I want to be humbled. I grew up with a lying problem, I want to tell the truth all the time; but I don't.

3.) I consider never leaving the country a fault of mine. I have never left the country.

4.) I hate this fast somedays. Other days, I don't mind it all. I'm always thankful for it. I break it everyday by not taking my thoughts captive. Sometimes I tell God: "but God, if I fully give these desires to you, you'll never give them back." And then he says: "show me a place in the bible that a man was not given back what he fasted." I am still looking for one to prove Him wrong. (sidenote, no one can prove God wrong .) We wrestle.

5.) I know I am in a waiting period for several things in my life. But I know I am not supposed to act like I am waiting for something to happen; things are happening right now! But I think I act like they're not. Maybe everyone does this?

6.) I have not been doing all of my homework this semester. I spend too much time on Facebook, and I need Laura to take my password away again.

7.) What is keeping me from getting a job? Laziness or loving free time or fear of failure?

8.) I don't want to ever go back to wanting my old dreams of settling down for a family and house in the U.S.

9.) Sometimes I can hear the Lord tell me not to do something because he knows it will hurt me, and I do it anyway. and it does hurt me.

10.) I am still really struggling with weight/beauty issues, and I need prayer.

11.) There isn't a day that goes by, that I don't think of the mountains. I am not keeping my heart where my feet are. Maybe I was made for higher altitudes.

God is gracious. I NEED his grace and mercy. I NEED it just as much as everyone else in the world. I have been trying to be more honest and open with people, because a sin of mine has always been pretending I have everything together: pride. I don't have it right. I don't. I don't. I don't. I want to honor God...most of the time, but I don't, I don't, I don't. And this is OF COURSE not a complete list of everything I do wrong--that would be far too long. BUT HERE IS THE GOOD NEWS: God has got it right. His mercy is wide for our failure and shortcomings. Confession is one of the most healing processes there is. But sometimes I don't feel convicted to change, like to stop listening to songs with swearing or thinking of climbing mountains too much. But there is forgiveness for that too.

Confirmations...

I have been so concerned with my college life currently. I was telling Molly this morning that if God opened up the opportunity to leave for mission work, I would. I was discontent with my selfishness of spending thousands of dollars on tuition and food I end up not eating. I want to be following the Lord's will. But lovely Molly reminded me that the college is a missionary field in itself...just a very expensive one.

But I asked the Lord for another confirmation that I was in the right place, a reason why I am still here and not selling everything I own to go to Ethiopia.

And he gave me one. How cool is that? Seek and find Him.

I felt really called to go on a bike ride today. God was blessing me with his joy and peace as I raced along the park's bike trail. I was praying and he was loving on me and I was loving on him. It was all perfect; until...

Until I passed by an older homeless man fast asleep on the park bench. My heart dropped with a deep deep aching. I thought 'we're in Ames, ia, there can't be a homeless man in ames, ia' But I have been blind. So blind to the people who need him most, turning a deaf ear toward how I could be used.

So I passed by him wishing I had some food or wishing he was awake so that we could talk. or something.

I had just bought a water and I thought I could give him that. But fear stopped me. FEAR!!! I'm ashamed to admit this, but FEAR of all things gripped at my heart.

I did another loop around him wishing there was something I could do, and convincing myself I had nothing. I biked away. I. biked. away. from. the. man. i. was. convicted. to. give. something. to. I did. (How hypocritical of me because I have been telling my friends how I am excited to do mission work, but i couldn't leave my water bottle for man???) I'm ashamed to say it now, but I left.

I was trying to tell God to explain myself that I didn't have anything to give, and that it wasn't safe to walk up to a sleeping homeless man. And GLORY TO GOD, he removed his spirit from me for a split second. for a split second, i felt complete hopelessness. i immediately stopped my bike to turn around.

I can't live without my God. I can't live without His spirit. I turned around and asked God what he wanted me to give him. And he told me that my bible was in my backpack. a few weeks ago i bought a daily message bible and I had brought it with me today.

I sat down in the nearest park bench opened up my new bible and wrote: 'Sir, I hope you are enjoying your sleep. This is the only truth I know, that God loves you. Love, a follower of Jesus Christ'

Nothing special or ornate or profound, just the complete truth.

Then I left my bible with my water on top of it at the feet of the man.

God honors obedience so fully. He LOVES when we listen to him. he LOVES it! When we sacrifice feeling weird or just a little awkward or comfortable, he can work through us so much clearer.

Then God gave me a joy like I have never felt. I am so fully in love with Him. He has changed me so much since I have been fasting. I am not the same person. Thank you for your prayers. In a few more days it will be two months. It seems like longer than that.

I'd spend the rest of my life single with the God who knows how to love me best. I would have NEVER said that two months ago.

God wants to know you. and he wants you to know him because he knows how his love will change you forever.

Beloved, just let him love you.

I am not fishing.

I felt like beauty was being attacked today and yesterday. Why DOES this happen to women? Is our beauty so terrible a thing to the enemy that he must tear us down behind every unsuspecting corner? Are our outward appearances so fearsome to the devil? I want to say 'no. outward appearances do not matter and it's what's in the heart' That is true in a way, but I CAN'T accept that as the FULL truth of what's going on spiritually.

BECAUSE when I feel my clothes do not fit from weight gain or probably just from dryer shrinkage problems, my immediate thought is : "Geez what is wrong with ME? I have such a problem with food. I have no self-control. Food is my idol. I thought I was getting better with this." Then my thoughts progress to thoughts of skipping meals and wanting to fit into my jeans from when I was 13. AND WITHIN A FEW MINUTES' TIME, I have talked myself into an anorexic attitude. By the grace of God, when these thoughts transform like this my warrior-hero-Love intercedes to speak truth back into my spirit of how I am a carefully made piece of his creation. But what does someone do if they do not know this truth?!

THIS tells me of this deep deep deeply rooted spiritual issue. And how important it is to ignore our culture's view on beauty. It is safe to say you can remove most of it's advice about being beautiful from your mind. But even if I grew up in a place apart from mirrors or pop culture, I believe I would still struggle with the issue of being desired and sought after and utterly captivating. Because let's face it, WOMEN ARE BEAUTIFUL CREATURES. We are enthralling! WE are ! We are ! If you are reading this and thinking 'yeah so many are, but there are exceptions to everything, and i would be that exception.' That is a lie that the devil has convinced you is true. Or maybe you read that and thought 'yeah I am pretty, but i'm not anything to stare at.' Although that is far more subtle and clever lie by the devil, that TOO is NOT the truth.

Ask God what he thinks of your face? Ask him--I dare you. i swear you will not be disappointed.

When i went home a few weeks ago, I was telling my mom how I was frustrated because none of my professors remembered my name. and I told her that I didn't blame them because I just have one of those forgettable plain faces. (You have to know my heart when I was saying this, I truly believed it. I was not saying this to fish for a compliment, I was just talking without thinking about my words.) My mom looked at me with a concerned face and said "THAT is not true." And tears welled up in my eyes because I realized I had been tricked into thinking I was just another face in the crowd, nothing special, nothing to remember. If you have ever felt this way, can I be my mother for a second and renounce the lies poured into our heads. YOU radiate. YOUR smile lights the entire room. The stars cannot compare to YOUR shining eyes. You, my dear, are beautiful.

If this spoke to you or you need prayer or if you have advice to give on this issue, please feel free to leave an anonymous comment below.

Wild Fire.

I will never know the Lord enough. For a thousand ways, He is so dang attractive because of this. Because his LOVE and his HEART are worth getting to know deeper and

deeper and

deeper and

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For class I read ancient epics of multiple gods whom are swayed with human emotions and weakness. And I often look up from my reading to remark on how hopeless life would be without my God, without the hope for salvation, without a peace that surrounds you in the dead of night all alone. Because even in times when I had strayed from God and felt at the bottom of the dark valley, I knew God would pick me back up and brush me off and we could start over again. What hope is there without the hand of the father, the grace of our Jesus, and the comfort of the Spirit? Many believe it is only a story. a story! a story! a story! I have written stories. Stories have an up and a middle and a down and a solution and a conclusion. Fictional stories are created to show a greater truth about unattainable ideas like love or pride or death or truth. THE LOVE OF GOD IS NOT just a story. Fictional or nonfictional stories speak of truth. But God is truth speaking truth. Truth breathing truth breathing truth. Father, Spirit, Son.

I don't know where I am going with this.

God, show me how to share your love.

God God God is filling up this place!

Two days ago I decided I need to go to Nicaragua this spring with our Harvest Vineyard church in Ames. Yesterday a 'missionary' on central campus told me that God would never call anyone to go to college, and because of this I wasn't a true follower of Jesus. When I told him of my Nicaraguan plans he told me that mission work in ALL of Central America is unaccepted right now, and that the only place to go to is South America. I do not know the heart of this married couple or their family, but I pray in the holy, righteous name of Jesus that they did not preach their message to anyone else on the Iowa State campus. THank you, God for discerning ears and hearts for YOUR truth.

ON a BRIGHTER side, yesterday morning and the night before that, I prayed that God would give me words to speak to strangers and that I was a light in a dark place. Having a more intrinsic, introvert personality, it is difficult for me buck up the gumption to talk to people all the time. But I prayed that God opened not-awkward opportunities for Him to be a presence in people's lives through me.

Amazingly enough (I say that sarcastically and literally), yesterday was a hilarious day of talking to strangers ALL. DAY. LONG. And I didn't even initiate HALF of them! I talked to a 70 year old lady about the weather and how it was time to break open the chili, and she told me all about her daughter and her son-in-law wanting to go camping before it got too cold. Then I felt called to go and talk to those 'missionaries' on campus; which I did for around 25 minutes--I shook their hands and left GLADLY because they were not speaking biblical truths. After that I talked to a friend who I haven't talked to in a long time (that isn't a big deal I realize obviously, except the past few days I had been too afraid of awkwardness for some reason). Then I hugged a weeping stranger girl because she fell off her bike and she was afraid her computer was broken. Then I told a different friend that I missed talking to her. I also raised my hand to answer questions in all my classes. Then I talked to a chef about sushi for a while. Then a random group of boys told me I looked good in purple and I told them 'thank you' and then they laughed like as if it was a joke--but I do look good in purple so I didn't see what was so funny.

That last one was supposed to be jokey. But it really did happen.

Moral of the story: when you ask God, you receive. I asked God to help me talk to strangers and not be so awkward all the time, and he, in turn, opened up endless doors to practice this newfound skill.

Second conviction: The world needs to know us quieter folk. If you struggle with self-worth regarding your voice, practice by speaking up! God loves to hear your thoughts and desires.

I love you. and 1000x1000x1000 more, He loves you.