abort.

Last night I had a strange dream. And it was prophetic for this day.

I dreamt that I was married and pregnant. Now, you have to know that this is not strange for me. Constantly I have dreams that I have a baby or I am pregnant; I don't know why that is except that God has given me the gift to be a mother to others when they have needed it. In all these dreams, I am overcome with the love I have for the child, or the baby. They are usually my prize possessions and in my dream I'd die for them. But this dream was different. Much different. With different research about prophetic dream interpretation, often times it is more about the emotion or attitude in the dream, rather than the subject of the dream. I think this was the case of my dream last night.

I did not want the child within me. It was disgusting to me. It was going to ruin my life, my plans for Sudan, my reputation. It was going to prevent me from living my life. And I planned ways how to get rid of it; I wanted to overdose on alcohol or some drug. I wanted it aborted from me. I was ashamed, but I did not care.

And then I woke up. I thought it was just a bad and weird dream; I forgot about it. But today I started battling old fights, old scars resurfaced. Creeping impulsive suicidal thoughts invaded my hurting heart. simple selfish thoughts, numb thoughts that I was trying to fight but couldn't. And that little baby from my dream came back to me. And as I told God that I didn't want to talk to him. That I was hurting and He couldn't help me. As I told Him that I didn't want Him to love me, that I didn't see how this was going to work. The thought of not wanting that child came back to the top of my brain. And I couldn't get the thing out of my mind. Why had I wanted to kill it? It was very atypical. So finally I asked God what the dream meant because I knew He wasn't going to quit until I knew.
And He told me who the baby was:

me.

And I said, "No that's not right, why would I want to kill myself, to kill the me within me?"

And He said, "You tell me. Why would you want to abort the beautiful woman I am creating within you?"

I do not understand the Lord. I do not understand why things like this happen, why I am so weak to let these thoughts get so far inside me, why I am so self-consumed and selfish? I wish I wasn't.

But I know we are in a battle. It's a fight. And there those who get lost in the mud.
A song from my past by Warren Barfield said, "Love is not a fight, but it's something worth fighting for." A life with Christ is not war-driven, but there are arrows shot by the enemy,
aimed to kill,
straight for the heart.

Humble yourselves, therfore, under God's mighty hand, that He may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know your brothers throughout the world are undergoing the same kind of sufferings. And the God of all Grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast. To him be the power forever and ever. Amen.
1 Peter 5:6-11