Choose: me or him.

The past week or so has been a struggle. I will not pretend I have been happy-happy Jesus-follower. I will not pretend I have been obedient to God when He has asked me to do particular things. I will not pretend to have it all together. I will not pretend that I paid attention to the needy and was kind to the ones closest to me. It has been a spiritual/emotional/selfish struggle. I will not pretend I have been slow to anger, because I have not been. Thank God, for forgiveness. Thank God, for friends and family who forgive me when I hurt them with my words, actions, and inactions.

Off-track and off-balance and not listening, I was/am scared. I am scared of something. I think I am scared of abandonment? And not just God abandoning me, but also scared of me-abandoning-me. Which I shouldn't be scared of because it is exactly what God calls us to do: (check out the scripture quoted in the column to the right, next to my name). Taking up my cross to follow Him. Self-abandonment.

God has told me some things that wreck my old dreams and plans. His words knock over my tower of pride and self-success. And I LIKE that he has done this; I LOVE HIM MORE for doing this. Yet, at the same time, it scares me, because of how much trust it requires of me. Trust, for me = HUGE tug-of-war with God and in my close relationships. (I realize I am not alone in this and everyone struggles with trust in different ways).

I am being vague.

Last night was a great night of worshipping God. He kept saying 'I AM here.' 'I AM here.' 'I AM here.'

And then he gave me a word which is a similar quote from the movie the Notebook, yes God is that intimate. Keep in mind, that I have been disobedient to His voice, I do not deserve what I receive; yet, he loves me anyway: "I WANT you. I want every part of you today, tomorrow, and forever. Stay with me." Then he told me about the life he's offering: "Give up the other man. If you want money, go with him. If you want a big house and shiny rings and the American dream, go with him. You won't have those things with me. But, if you want love. If you want forgiveness new every morning. If you want me always next to you. If you want my dancing, joyful love. If you want my life to be yours. Come, come away with me! Come away, love. Let's climb to the highest point of that mountain and jump off into the ocean, Beloved. Leave your skeleton dreams behind, and come, I have a different kind of life for you."

We are all called from something different than the world offers. I am still asking God what kind of life he wants and what that looks like, but I know I'm being changed.

He wants me. He's been calling after me even when I was far off. and I want to sit at his feet and hear his voice. I want to serve Him. I want to let go of my rights of riches and comfort.

Teach me how to let go, Father.

"Come, follow me." Mark 1:17