abort.

Last night I had a strange dream. And it was prophetic for this day.

I dreamt that I was married and pregnant. Now, you have to know that this is not strange for me. Constantly I have dreams that I have a baby or I am pregnant; I don't know why that is except that God has given me the gift to be a mother to others when they have needed it. In all these dreams, I am overcome with the love I have for the child, or the baby. They are usually my prize possessions and in my dream I'd die for them. But this dream was different. Much different. With different research about prophetic dream interpretation, often times it is more about the emotion or attitude in the dream, rather than the subject of the dream. I think this was the case of my dream last night.

I did not want the child within me. It was disgusting to me. It was going to ruin my life, my plans for Sudan, my reputation. It was going to prevent me from living my life. And I planned ways how to get rid of it; I wanted to overdose on alcohol or some drug. I wanted it aborted from me. I was ashamed, but I did not care.

And then I woke up. I thought it was just a bad and weird dream; I forgot about it. But today I started battling old fights, old scars resurfaced. Creeping impulsive suicidal thoughts invaded my hurting heart. simple selfish thoughts, numb thoughts that I was trying to fight but couldn't. And that little baby from my dream came back to me. And as I told God that I didn't want to talk to him. That I was hurting and He couldn't help me. As I told Him that I didn't want Him to love me, that I didn't see how this was going to work. The thought of not wanting that child came back to the top of my brain. And I couldn't get the thing out of my mind. Why had I wanted to kill it? It was very atypical. So finally I asked God what the dream meant because I knew He wasn't going to quit until I knew.
And He told me who the baby was:

me.

And I said, "No that's not right, why would I want to kill myself, to kill the me within me?"

And He said, "You tell me. Why would you want to abort the beautiful woman I am creating within you?"

I do not understand the Lord. I do not understand why things like this happen, why I am so weak to let these thoughts get so far inside me, why I am so self-consumed and selfish? I wish I wasn't.

But I know we are in a battle. It's a fight. And there those who get lost in the mud.
A song from my past by Warren Barfield said, "Love is not a fight, but it's something worth fighting for." A life with Christ is not war-driven, but there are arrows shot by the enemy,
aimed to kill,
straight for the heart.

Humble yourselves, therfore, under God's mighty hand, that He may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know your brothers throughout the world are undergoing the same kind of sufferings. And the God of all Grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast. To him be the power forever and ever. Amen.
1 Peter 5:6-11

prodigal

i asked for my whole plate of food

i was still full

so it meant nothing

absolutely nothing

i threw it out the car window

as i sped off

i didnt know later

id be hungry

screaming mad hungry

my sunken eyes scanning the walls

waiting clicking stomping

for time to pass

staring at my feet

recounting scars and blemishes

on each arm and leg

each rib bone protruding

from my thin skin

just waiting for a meal

the next meal

the next rush

the next high

to fill me

to fill ME

to fiLL ME

TO FILL ME

as if it was only about me

well guess what GOD

i AM hungry now for what YOU have

i am

i have nothing

i have tried to eat so many things

none of them were good for me

i tried to eat approval

i tried to eat good looks

i tried to eat dating

i tried to eat relationships

i tried to eat money

i tried to eat work

i tried to eat my emotions my highs

i tried to eat my weight

i tried to eat music

i tried to eat old dreams

I TRIED TO INGEST that SIN

but I AM STILL HUNGRY

SO very HUNGRY

I DONT WANT TO KEEP EATING

EATING

EATING MY SIN

that food eats at ME

my insides are more hollow

more empty than ever before

but NOT anymore LORD

im quitting that stuff

in faith i say

that the crumbs from your plate

are enough

father

even your servants

have food and a place to sleep at night

anything is better than this pigsty

i have landed in

i wanna come home dad

I bet Jesus was one heckofa carpenter.

Who is this man? Who is this king? Who is this lamb who has done it? He has finished death.

Each day I learn how little I know Jesus, how far I am in comparison. I want to meet Jesus. I am not asking for death, but I want HIM. Who is this Jesus? I can close my eyes and imagine what it might be like to be at the foot of the throne.

You have to know that with these great dreams of Sudan and Ethiopia, that I am counting the cost of dying and the probability of martyrdom. That taking up my cross always means being just a few days from death, like Christ when he carried His. I AM afraid of death. I will not hide this fear, David did not hide his fear and either will I. I am VERY aware of my lack of invincibility, maybe too aware of it.

But then I think that on this day of death, I get to finally meet the most important Man in my life. This may be all too morbid for a blog entry, but I don't care because I get to meet THE ONE! And then, I get to stay with Him... FOREVER! Oh man, how wonderful, how glorious, how perfect. Now is not the time for our thrones. Now is not the time for big bank accounts (at least not for me). This earth is NOT our heaven, not now. No, now is our servanthood.

Yes, I will burn out in this life. It's inevitable, because I am human. Yes, I will probably be cranky to the ones I love or should love, and then regret it later. Yes, I will most likely make big mistakes that I will learn from. I will cower in fear some days when I should stand in boldness. But, I will not renounce the name of Jesus as Lord. I want him as my God. Aww man, THIS God-man is worth it.

I am not only called, but I am commanded to a foreign land, to be a stranger in a far off place. But, God has a plan. He has promised great things. This God does not forsake us. Yesterday, we learned that Jesus spent 30 years earning his right to his ministry. So I am sure it will be years for me as well.

What have I been learning from this year of fasting and praying?

We have a few short years to make an impact, and to do the Lord's will. We only have one life to live. One. Not two, not three spare wishes, not an extra card to pull out at the last minute. This is it. One breath and then our time on earth is done.

So I wanna love hard and good. I wanna fight for His will. I want live a life worthy of my calling. He is changing me and everyone around me. We weren't meant to live for our own desires, we were meant for HIS! Our dreams aren't big enough!

and Real Love is sacrifice. Real Love sacrificed it all. As followers of Jesus we are called to the same sacrifice. I challenge you to ask God what that means in your life. I dare you.

I am asking God these things, and he has given me answers--ones that are holy, but still fearful in my flesh. Things like that it doesn't matter if I ever get married. That it doesn't matter if I never have a stable income. That it doesn't matter if the world or even Christians call me foolish for HIS dreams manifesting in my life. That my emotions change and somedays when I want to run, I have to stand still with two feet planted on the ground. And that there will be a time when I want to remain stagnant, and he will call me to run like creek water. And that it doesn't matter that one day I will get on a plane to be an ocean away from many friends and family because the Son of Man had no where to place his head.

THIS is the gospel I am learning about. It is magnificent, but my flesh screams to run the opposite direction. Yet, the Spirit within me is not one of fear, but of Love and Power. I will lean not on my own understanding.

Well i had a dream i stood beneath orange sky. yes, i had a dream i stood beneath an orange sky. with my brother standing by, with my brother standing by. i said brother you know you know it's a long road we've been walking on yes it is it brother it is, such a long road we been walkin on. oh brother, oh brother. i had a dream i stood beneath an orange sky with my sister standing by, with my sister standing by. said here is what i know now sister, goes like this. In your love, my salvation lies in your love. my salvation lies in your love. my salvations lies in your love in your love in your love. Oh you know but I am so weary and you know my heart my heart has been broken now sometimes too strong to carry on, too strong too strong to carry on. When I am alone. When I've thrown off the weight of this crazy stone. When I've lost all care for the things I own, that's when I miss you that's when I miss you who are my home. You are my home. Here's what I know now brother, Here's what I know now sister, goes like this. In your love my salvation lies in your love my salvation lies in your love my salvation lies in your love in your love in your love, in your love now... Well, I had a dream I stood beneath an orange sky, with my brother and my sister standing by, with my brother and my sister standing by.

We were made to live for so much more.

What can I say? How can I account for how He is shaping me and the people around me?

I keep praying for one thing each day. And only one thing is sure in my life right now:

transformation.

He is infusing me with truth, knowledge, and this fiery passion for something greater than what the world is offering.

The definition of transformation is to make a thorough or dramatic change in form, appearance, or character. This semester my heart has been in this state...at all times. I am changing, and it is good.

Today I wrote my brother a letter for his birthday. He is 15 and my favorite man on this green and blue globe we live in. I told him to let God shape him into the man he is and is going to be. And then I realized that is true advice for myself. and others. and I think everybody. Do not let yourself be stagnant in this temporary home we live in -- how terrible that I have believed I should do this. For a lot of my life I believed that in order to be content, in order to be reliable, I had to remain the same, controlled, put together, honest, AND consistent. This is not only impossible, but foolish. I know in Ecclesiastes Solomon talks about how there is a season and time for all things, but sometimes I think God purposefully fuses them into one time. In one day there is a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance. The season I am in right now feels like a thousand different seasons--and that is okay. It is perfect. This is how He wants my life right now. And although I feel pulled a thousand different ways, he is stretching and I am growing. Yet, I have been experiencing what I call 'growing pains of the heart'. It means that there is an ache inside me from growing quickly. It means letting go of things I have held on for too long, or my whole life. It means walking away and moving on and giving it to Him. Do you have chains that need to be broken? Do you have deep scars? Are you the little elephant thinking your leg is still tied to the tree? There is a freedom in Christ. There is enough freedom in Christ to say to the Lord: "I don't know what I am doing here, but for you Lord, I am here." THere is freedom in Christ to say: "I am defeated and broken. I need this fresh healing every day rising up in me like the sun." And there is freedom to say: "Lord, take me and break me. For I am truly and completely yours."

I am seven months into my twelve month fast, and I have nothing to show for it but a transformed mind and heart. And what is that in the world's eyes? Nothing. But what does the king of the universe think of us growing and changing and learning? The King's eyes burn bright, the angels applaud His planning, wind and lights in heaven burn and burn and burn. If humans truly are the pinnacle of creation, then don't we matter to the Lord? Aren't we apart of His greater plan for each individual and each nation? We are apart of this vision of every knee bowing and every tongue confessing who rules the universe.

If this season of my life is anything. It is one of preparation. I feel He is training me. I have no idea what it is, but I can feel it, and it's exciting. There were large stumbling blocks in my way and now that Christ has defeated some of the major lies in my life, the other mountains look more climbable. God has something in mind for our lives--We're apart of it! You and I have a purpose; this is truth. Seek the father and ask him what he wants you to do. But be careful when you ask this, because he WILL give you an answer, and it may not fit in your perfectly wrapped and bow tied plan. He may just ask you to finally accept his love and his sacrifice to loose the chains of past sin or scars. Or he may ask you to sell everything you own, quit school, quit your job, and move to Sudan to share the gospel to Muslims. So let us not lose sight of our goal. Let us keep our eyes on the prize, the vision of a worshipping generation made up of every nation.

It is with honesty that I can say I wrote this out of procrastination. Tomorrow is a midterm in a class called Curriculum Instruction 202 Technology in Education.

But in faith I will listen to these two songs over and over and over and over and over again: Mountain and the Sea by Ingrid Michaelson and Ragged Sea by Alexi Murdoch. "Somewhere on the mountain around the ragged sea, where time is lying still, I've fallen on a hill and the sky is pouring in. Girlie I hear your crying oh girlie don't you cry. For I will come for you, I will come for you and we'll go home."

For there is a season for all things, even if they do happen all at once:

to be born

to die

to plant

to harvest

to kill

to heal

to tear down

to build up

to cry

to laugh

to grieve

to dance

to scatter stones

to gather stones

to search

to quit searching

to keep

to throw away

to tear

to mend

to be quiet

to speak

to love

to hate

to have war

and to have peace.

Only orange? Come on now, Liv!

God told me to write a blog entry so I am going to write a blog entry.

Recently I have been eating orange foods. Yesterday the only food I consumed was a whole bag of gold fish, apple cider, and half a piece of pumpkin pie. Mucho Anaranjado. And today my breakfast and lunch was 5 baby carrots. Then I had a dinner of normal not orange foods. But then just now, I consumed two whole oranges. Can I just give a shout out to all the ripe oranges out there that YOU ARE WORTH THE WAIT. All that peeling and delayed gratification has VALUE. Oh yumm, those were the best oranges I have ever had in my long 19 years.

Back to the thought of orange foods though, no I am not starving myself or on some middle-aged-woman diet by only eating orange foods, I have just been BUSY in this week of death (alternative name for dead week) to prepare for finals, and I have been choosing sleep over food.

No Eating orange foods has not been on purpose, BUT it does remind me of my kindergarten art class when I thought my friends and I invented the color pink. I am not kidding when I say this. I thought my generation of students were brilliant: "WE MIXED RED AND WHITE AND HAVE DISCOVERED A NEW COLOR! We might as well quit school and retire now at the old age of 5, for we, in all our brilliance, will be richer than fools by opening the eyes of the world and every nation to bubblegum, flowers, old lady sweaters, fingernail polish, flamingos, shrimp, and let us never forget Victoria Secret's brand of clothing!"

I'm not sure if I missed the day when we learned the colors--but I had no idea somebody had already claimed that flamingo patent. But isn't that the same when God discovers us though? It is as though you believe your life is made up of your home, and school, and family, and friends, and cousins, and post offices, and supermarkets, and metal door handles, and not stepping on the cracks in the cement, and your ipod's music, and the bluish hue of a cloudy day, or the way your back hurts when you first wake up, and you think your heart is meh-full. (meh-full is the definition of a gray life of mundane materials which fill up the space around us).

But when we find God, or better yet, when God finds us, the veil is removed and all of the sudden the sky is no longer attainable because heaven might just be right beyond it. And the green that fills a leaf has new meaning because this God, this glorious loving God, gave that leaf it's spreading veins and it's hydrated natural tinge. And you realize that you have veins and that you have a soul again, and you ask this God, oh this saving God, if a scientific angel of sorts dissected your soul if it would now be the color of this leaf, this lifelifelifelifelifelifelifehaving leaf??? Because some new believer part of you believes that God now exists because you allowed him into existence. And if you chose to stop believing in HIM, he would disappear. Just like how I misunderstood giving birth to the color pink. But like colors, God has been around for a while. And like colors, even if we stopped believing in them, they would still be there within every object--just needing some light to appear. Without God and color, our lives are far more dull and full of ignorance. But We all need more God in our lives so we can see Him clearly, don't we?

But We do see glimpses of God even if we don't know him. How else can you explain music? Or the way a winding, blowing wind can change your whole life for a split second, because for a fourth of a second you think you may be returned to dust and be blown away, morphing into small particles of the wind. How else can you explain why people stare at the ocean? What is it about the right words or the right touch at the right time can make you feel more loved than you ever had before in your life!? I believe those moments are just camera flashes of the life GOD HAS PREPARED FOR US. I say camera flashes because for a second a whole room is filled with light, even if from a very small place the light bounces off every object in the vicinity and produces life for the picture. Yes, indeed, we can all describe times when God has shown us a camera flash worth of what kind of life he offers. And with each camera flash, with a considerable amount of extreme light for a brief moment, color is captured again.

So my advice is to not ignore the camera flashes of your life, to not pretend the color does not exist. This means when it's raining -- I want to give away my umbrella. And this means when God opens up a door to Addis Ababa, I wanna walk straight through it and into that humbling adventure. This means making friends with whoever checks out your food or clothes or whatever, because that job sucks after a 7 hour shift, right?! This means learning a few words of a different language just so you can say 'hello, how are you?' to an international friend. Or knitting at village inn just because it draws people who are over the age of 65, to see a group of 19 through 23 year olds teaching each other how to knit (our experience last night).

Because even if you are as naive as I was as a 5 year old thinking I invented a color, it doesn't change the fact that I was wrong! When God is here I want to PAY ATTENTION. And when I don't know he's around, I want to do something about it! I want to get off my orange-eating food habit, and give to the relationships I am in! haha--that sounded like polygamy, I meant friends/family/nonbelievers/brothers/sisters -- We've all got some color exploring to do. Because when I die I don't want God to say "well done good and faithful servant, I gave you the whole spectrum of colors but you only chose to eat orange and "claim to" conceive pink...nicely done... NOT!" I just made God sound like a sarcastic boss, that was not intended or an accurate portrayal of him.

I have taken this time to write this entry when I am supposed to be writing my British Literature essay and working on finishing my theatre final. But you know what? I don't care. Because following God sometimes looks like procrastination or a waste of time or money or material fancies. Some people will have you believe that following God is a waste. And if it is, then let me pour out everything I have within me for the task. Let me break my alabaster jar at the foot of Jesus and waste everything I once had but now no longer want.

God once told me that I was going to have everything I ever wanted at my fingertips, but I was going to refuse it in order to follow him. Even though that scares me, strangely enough, this fast from dating/crushes/men is reshaping my entire world and is showing me how to sacrifice and to truly drop everything. And I am no where close to it not even remotely! OBVIOUSLY. I need his GRACE, his full GRACE, for that. I am a prideful, self-absorbed human like the rest of us. I still have food (orange foods, at least --ha), house, windbreaker, coat, friends, a happy family, pleasant memories, socks, music, computer, ipod, virginity, cell phone, health, trash, sanity, laundry, bracelets, school, keys, pens, three bags, and free bus rides. I have a lot, and some of the things I have corrupt my insides. But despite all of this, I am fearfully and wonderfully and worthily made in the sight of our Father God, and so are you. "For this is real love – not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his son as a sacrifice to take away our sins"

P.s. I don't actually own a windbreaker– I just like the word, so no worries about that one eroding any part of my soul's desire to serve Jesus and to Love his people mightily. Amen.

Piano.

I watched her place each fingertip

on an antique ivory key

to hold the piano’s hands.

To her, this practice was routine

—her mother’s voice calling her from chores,

a foot upon a creaking church floorboard,

a screen door slamming shut

by the wind—commonplace.

But I did not hear this,

so I closed my eyes.

In my mind, her practice came as far off rain

—immersing wet the grounds of flat farm fields.

Our screen porch door charging open,

calling me out for the summer storm.

Her base notes thundering

echos for miles,

I keep walking.

Passed the barn and windmill,

and passed our wooden swing,

a narrow path of tall grass

lie down to point toward the pond.

With each note of her treble chord
a full droplet slips down a strand of uncombed hair.

Entering into the raindrop splashing pond,

waist deep in murky water,

confessing everything,

I spread out my arms, and drop backwards

into tepid waters.

Amazing Grace, I once

was deaf, but now I hear.

The rain passed,

but left a pair of hands

embracing ebony.

Awake, O Sleeper! Rise from the dead...

I have written this blog entry once and deleted it because I want to start over. This is a conglomeration of legitimate emotions and frustrations.

Moral dilemma: being willing vs. action.

I have this problem with my words not lining up with my actions -- and I really am beginning to hate it. Example:

Me--God, I want to serve your people.

God--Then, GO!

Me--I'm scared.

God--(silence).

And then, conversation OVER.

I have to pray against inaction in myself. In some ways, slowing down and doing the logical thing has been really great for the situation and I have NOT regretted things because I have stopped myself before they happen. IN OTHER WAYS, it has led to even more sin by ignoring the command of caring for "the least of these." And I really am a hypocrite about this because I get frustrated by the lack of action in other people -- so I should be even MORE appalled by my own sloth-like move toward helping someone other than myself. The moments I have felt closest to God are ones that have required me opening the door when I hear his knocking -- unlike the women in song of songs who waits a while and then when she finally makes it to the door, her lover is gone. I mean the difference here is that I think God waits at the door and keeps knocking -- but OPPORTUNITIES ARE MISSED BY MY INACTION, or by placing other priorities above the HOLY ONE's.

I mean, even now, I enjoy sitting in my dorm room writing a blog entry rather than going out in the world and being brave and socializing and spreading THE ULTIMATE love. Honestly, it's more COMFORTABLE on my baby couch with my blankie and an ice pack for my recently-broken-neck. (sidenote: my neck is not actually broken, but yesterday all the muscles on the left side contracted and stayed that way.) But who wants a life that is made up of COMFORTABLE MOMENTS?! I don't. Who wants a life of air-conditioning mediocrity when God is offering a life of sweaty, rainy, hot LOVE and COMPASSION and SELFLESSNESS?? I want my days to squeeze me dry of ALL of the LOVE Christ has placed in my heart. I want God himself to say: "Well done, good and faithful servant!" right before I fall asleep every night. Purposeful living! He is going to love me the same either way, but I want to PLEASE THE ONE I LOVE. I do not believe in a faith-based-on-works God, but gahLLEEEY, I want to live a life of dedication to HIM and to LOVING others.

"For this reason i also suffer these things, but i am not ashamed; for i know whom i have believed and i am convinced that He is able to guard what i have entrusted to Him until that day."

"Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that the family of believers throughout the world is undergoing the same kind of sufferings. and the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself RESTORE YOU and make you strong, firm and steadfast. To him be the power for ever and ever. amen."

"Remember those earlier days after you had received the light, when you endured in a great conflict full of suffering. Sometimes you were publicly exposed to insult and persecution; at other times you stood side by side with those who were so treated. You suffered along with those in prison and joyfully accepted the confiscation of your property, because you knew that you yourselves had better and lasting possessions. So do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded. You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised."

I'm an English major who is sick and tired of words. They have become (empty) and hollow and concave and CHEAP. Awaken me from this sedated death-like sleep! Be ALIVE in me, God!