Piano.

I watched her place each fingertip

on an antique ivory key

to hold the piano’s hands.

To her, this practice was routine

—her mother’s voice calling her from chores,

a foot upon a creaking church floorboard,

a screen door slamming shut

by the wind—commonplace.

But I did not hear this,

so I closed my eyes.

In my mind, her practice came as far off rain

—immersing wet the grounds of flat farm fields.

Our screen porch door charging open,

calling me out for the summer storm.

Her base notes thundering

echos for miles,

I keep walking.

Passed the barn and windmill,

and passed our wooden swing,

a narrow path of tall grass

lie down to point toward the pond.

With each note of her treble chord
a full droplet slips down a strand of uncombed hair.

Entering into the raindrop splashing pond,

waist deep in murky water,

confessing everything,

I spread out my arms, and drop backwards

into tepid waters.

Amazing Grace, I once

was deaf, but now I hear.

The rain passed,

but left a pair of hands

embracing ebony.

Awake, O Sleeper! Rise from the dead...

I have written this blog entry once and deleted it because I want to start over. This is a conglomeration of legitimate emotions and frustrations.

Moral dilemma: being willing vs. action.

I have this problem with my words not lining up with my actions -- and I really am beginning to hate it. Example:

Me--God, I want to serve your people.

God--Then, GO!

Me--I'm scared.

God--(silence).

And then, conversation OVER.

I have to pray against inaction in myself. In some ways, slowing down and doing the logical thing has been really great for the situation and I have NOT regretted things because I have stopped myself before they happen. IN OTHER WAYS, it has led to even more sin by ignoring the command of caring for "the least of these." And I really am a hypocrite about this because I get frustrated by the lack of action in other people -- so I should be even MORE appalled by my own sloth-like move toward helping someone other than myself. The moments I have felt closest to God are ones that have required me opening the door when I hear his knocking -- unlike the women in song of songs who waits a while and then when she finally makes it to the door, her lover is gone. I mean the difference here is that I think God waits at the door and keeps knocking -- but OPPORTUNITIES ARE MISSED BY MY INACTION, or by placing other priorities above the HOLY ONE's.

I mean, even now, I enjoy sitting in my dorm room writing a blog entry rather than going out in the world and being brave and socializing and spreading THE ULTIMATE love. Honestly, it's more COMFORTABLE on my baby couch with my blankie and an ice pack for my recently-broken-neck. (sidenote: my neck is not actually broken, but yesterday all the muscles on the left side contracted and stayed that way.) But who wants a life that is made up of COMFORTABLE MOMENTS?! I don't. Who wants a life of air-conditioning mediocrity when God is offering a life of sweaty, rainy, hot LOVE and COMPASSION and SELFLESSNESS?? I want my days to squeeze me dry of ALL of the LOVE Christ has placed in my heart. I want God himself to say: "Well done, good and faithful servant!" right before I fall asleep every night. Purposeful living! He is going to love me the same either way, but I want to PLEASE THE ONE I LOVE. I do not believe in a faith-based-on-works God, but gahLLEEEY, I want to live a life of dedication to HIM and to LOVING others.

"For this reason i also suffer these things, but i am not ashamed; for i know whom i have believed and i am convinced that He is able to guard what i have entrusted to Him until that day."

"Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that the family of believers throughout the world is undergoing the same kind of sufferings. and the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself RESTORE YOU and make you strong, firm and steadfast. To him be the power for ever and ever. amen."

"Remember those earlier days after you had received the light, when you endured in a great conflict full of suffering. Sometimes you were publicly exposed to insult and persecution; at other times you stood side by side with those who were so treated. You suffered along with those in prison and joyfully accepted the confiscation of your property, because you knew that you yourselves had better and lasting possessions. So do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded. You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised."

I'm an English major who is sick and tired of words. They have become (empty) and hollow and concave and CHEAP. Awaken me from this sedated death-like sleep! Be ALIVE in me, God!

We would.

We could change our names you and I. We could.

And then leave because there was nothing left for us here.

We'd take one backpack and fill it with nothing. Maybe one granola bar. but maybe not. Even that might be too much.

We couldn't take any money, because it'd be too heavy.

And we couldn't bring my camera, because they'd find us.

An extra pair of socks can be worn, not carried.

And we'd leave. With a single backpack strapped up on your back.

I would miss them, and you would miss them, but we'd say "we'll come back here someday."

Both of us knowing we never would.

We could walk. Then take turns carrying each other. When we needed to cross the ocean, we'd joke about swimming, then consider it silently. Then we'd ask for a plane ticket. But none would fall from the sky. So we'd ask for two plane tickets. one for me, and one for you. But nothing would come. So we'd ask for two boat tickets. one for you, and one for me. And a elderly woman in a fancy car would offer us 500 dollars to drive her to the coast. So we would, knowing that we now had two boat tickets. While we drive her, we'd find out her name was June, and she had lost her loves. And we'd tell her our story, of how we gave up our loves. for this. And we'd tell her about our Dad. How we learn more about Him, when we give up everything, and keep moving. And June would understand. June would know, because she needed to see our Dad by the ocean. the sounds of crashing water, the smell of dry tears, and the wind, oh the wind. The wind alone could blow away memories tumble-weeding around June's kindred mind.

We would thank June and tell her we'd see her at our Dad's house someday. And she'd ask for our names and we'd say we were brothers, or sisters, or maybe married, or young children but then realize we'd left ourselves behind, and we didn't know the answer to that question anymore. Then, she'd name us something that both of us would eventually forget.

Then we'd get on our boat and curtsy and bow to the land we'd never see again except in dreams and memories. And the ocean might stand up and clap its hands. Or it might not.

And we wouldn't be able to sleep when the moon was barely out, because the stars would be too distracting. And I'd tell you my explanation behind for the stars. That our world at night was just a black beach ball that our Dad had poked holes in, and nights like these His light shined through each tiny pinprick. And you'd think I was crazy; and I'd tell you that I didn't remember what the real reason was behind the stars anyway, because that other world was too far away. And you'd agree, that other world was too far gone.

Yes, we could leave, friend. We would forget our names, and keep moving toward our Dad.

BAM! and then change happens.

Loneliness sneaks up on you. It is unexpected and generally a surprise.

One minute you are enjoying your time being alone doing something you haven't done in a while; and the next minute, BOOM! some dark presence looms over your heart and you are 'lonely'. And then, unless rebuked in the name of Jesus, he stays for a while. Loneliness pops up his tent and starts finding dry twigs to start a fire. It doesn't really matter if you are suddenly bombarded by people, Loneliness will just sit there vacationing in your spirit.

You can always kick him out. That usually works with a phone call home, or some prayer time, or to drive or run or walk or bike somewhere, anywhere where you know somebody who lives and breathes and communicates in some way.

But sometimes, you just let Lonely sit there for a while. Because it seems like his company is better than no company. Then Lonely, he is quite the partier, he invites his friend Pity. and then, before you know it, on a friday night, You, Lonely, and Pity are partying it up by yourselves.

Pity is talkative and has a really great memory. So he tells you about the times your friends didn't call. And then he brings up conversation about your lack of communication skills. Then, before you can stop him from saying something, BAM-in-your-face, HE MENTIONS: relationships. Does this sound familiar: "Oh, you're still NOT in ANY kind of relationship?! Man, how long has it been? How many months? years?? You'd think by now, I mean, come on, you're young -- live your life!"

And you try to defend yourself, jumbling up some mutterings about how God has a plan for your life and how God has someone for you, and even if he doesn't, you'll be happy because you and God are super close and you think you're in love with him.

Which Pity responds: "Is that why you're here with us? Because God wants you to chill with classy guys like us? Right..."

Then with that remark, you realize that you have been sitting around an imaginary camp fire with Pity and Lonely as your only closest companions. At which point, you stand up, rake your hands through your hair and swear your favorite profanity OUT LOUD and it escapes through the cracks of your fingers that are smothering your face. then you tell your shitty friends to leave, and that they aren't welcome, and that you'd rather camp with Alone than Lonely. And that you'd rather have deep talks with God, instead of Pity. And they take off because they know and you know, the King's love should not be messed with, that royalty and deep romance has infallible power and if the unwelcomed guests didn't scram, they'd probably end up dead, or in a herd of swine, or something worse.

Meanwhile, you grab your bike to converse with other servants to the great I AM. but something stops you. And you decide to just write about how this Great King, this Lover of yours, has changed your entire life. How He has created something new from the old you, the old things you used to do just don't seem worth it anymore--and you can't believe you ever listened to Pity's lies. But none of THAT even matters anymore because just the look of His eyes, melts your heart. Just His eyes. Not to mention His holed hands. And you, without a second thought, ask Him, beg Him, if He can be with you forever. You want to marry Him, but even that wouldn't ever be enough because it's too mortal and too lowly compared to Him. You ask Him how this bond, this relationship, this all-consuming passionate LOVE, can be rooted deeper, and wider -- you ask Him: "How can THIS love last forever? How is that possible? How does this fire NOT burn out after all these years? What if someday it all comes crashing down and you decide to leave? How can you promise it will be for forever?"

And He says:

Because you were created to be with Me. You were made missing something, so that I could give you it. It lasts and it burns still today because you can't live without me, and I sure don't want to live without you.

And all of the sudden, somewhere between the lines of the page, you realize this moment within your friday night, has become one of the most special of your life.

Choose: me or him.

The past week or so has been a struggle. I will not pretend I have been happy-happy Jesus-follower. I will not pretend I have been obedient to God when He has asked me to do particular things. I will not pretend to have it all together. I will not pretend that I paid attention to the needy and was kind to the ones closest to me. It has been a spiritual/emotional/selfish struggle. I will not pretend I have been slow to anger, because I have not been. Thank God, for forgiveness. Thank God, for friends and family who forgive me when I hurt them with my words, actions, and inactions.

Off-track and off-balance and not listening, I was/am scared. I am scared of something. I think I am scared of abandonment? And not just God abandoning me, but also scared of me-abandoning-me. Which I shouldn't be scared of because it is exactly what God calls us to do: (check out the scripture quoted in the column to the right, next to my name). Taking up my cross to follow Him. Self-abandonment.

God has told me some things that wreck my old dreams and plans. His words knock over my tower of pride and self-success. And I LIKE that he has done this; I LOVE HIM MORE for doing this. Yet, at the same time, it scares me, because of how much trust it requires of me. Trust, for me = HUGE tug-of-war with God and in my close relationships. (I realize I am not alone in this and everyone struggles with trust in different ways).

I am being vague.

Last night was a great night of worshipping God. He kept saying 'I AM here.' 'I AM here.' 'I AM here.'

And then he gave me a word which is a similar quote from the movie the Notebook, yes God is that intimate. Keep in mind, that I have been disobedient to His voice, I do not deserve what I receive; yet, he loves me anyway: "I WANT you. I want every part of you today, tomorrow, and forever. Stay with me." Then he told me about the life he's offering: "Give up the other man. If you want money, go with him. If you want a big house and shiny rings and the American dream, go with him. You won't have those things with me. But, if you want love. If you want forgiveness new every morning. If you want me always next to you. If you want my dancing, joyful love. If you want my life to be yours. Come, come away with me! Come away, love. Let's climb to the highest point of that mountain and jump off into the ocean, Beloved. Leave your skeleton dreams behind, and come, I have a different kind of life for you."

We are all called from something different than the world offers. I am still asking God what kind of life he wants and what that looks like, but I know I'm being changed.

He wants me. He's been calling after me even when I was far off. and I want to sit at his feet and hear his voice. I want to serve Him. I want to let go of my rights of riches and comfort.

Teach me how to let go, Father.

"Come, follow me." Mark 1:17

Confessions.

Warning! You may be offended by honesty.

Things only God can love:

1.)

2.) I have pride issues with thinking I'm right. I want to be humbled. I grew up with a lying problem, I want to tell the truth all the time; but I don't.

3.) I consider never leaving the country a fault of mine. I have never left the country.

4.) I hate this fast somedays. Other days, I don't mind it all. I'm always thankful for it. I break it everyday by not taking my thoughts captive. Sometimes I tell God: "but God, if I fully give these desires to you, you'll never give them back." And then he says: "show me a place in the bible that a man was not given back what he fasted." I am still looking for one to prove Him wrong. (sidenote, no one can prove God wrong .) We wrestle.

5.) I know I am in a waiting period for several things in my life. But I know I am not supposed to act like I am waiting for something to happen; things are happening right now! But I think I act like they're not. Maybe everyone does this?

6.) I have not been doing all of my homework this semester. I spend too much time on Facebook, and I need Laura to take my password away again.

7.) What is keeping me from getting a job? Laziness or loving free time or fear of failure?

8.) I don't want to ever go back to wanting my old dreams of settling down for a family and house in the U.S.

9.) Sometimes I can hear the Lord tell me not to do something because he knows it will hurt me, and I do it anyway. and it does hurt me.

10.) I am still really struggling with weight/beauty issues, and I need prayer.

11.) There isn't a day that goes by, that I don't think of the mountains. I am not keeping my heart where my feet are. Maybe I was made for higher altitudes.

God is gracious. I NEED his grace and mercy. I NEED it just as much as everyone else in the world. I have been trying to be more honest and open with people, because a sin of mine has always been pretending I have everything together: pride. I don't have it right. I don't. I don't. I don't. I want to honor God...most of the time, but I don't, I don't, I don't. And this is OF COURSE not a complete list of everything I do wrong--that would be far too long. BUT HERE IS THE GOOD NEWS: God has got it right. His mercy is wide for our failure and shortcomings. Confession is one of the most healing processes there is. But sometimes I don't feel convicted to change, like to stop listening to songs with swearing or thinking of climbing mountains too much. But there is forgiveness for that too.

Confirmations...

I have been so concerned with my college life currently. I was telling Molly this morning that if God opened up the opportunity to leave for mission work, I would. I was discontent with my selfishness of spending thousands of dollars on tuition and food I end up not eating. I want to be following the Lord's will. But lovely Molly reminded me that the college is a missionary field in itself...just a very expensive one.

But I asked the Lord for another confirmation that I was in the right place, a reason why I am still here and not selling everything I own to go to Ethiopia.

And he gave me one. How cool is that? Seek and find Him.

I felt really called to go on a bike ride today. God was blessing me with his joy and peace as I raced along the park's bike trail. I was praying and he was loving on me and I was loving on him. It was all perfect; until...

Until I passed by an older homeless man fast asleep on the park bench. My heart dropped with a deep deep aching. I thought 'we're in Ames, ia, there can't be a homeless man in ames, ia' But I have been blind. So blind to the people who need him most, turning a deaf ear toward how I could be used.

So I passed by him wishing I had some food or wishing he was awake so that we could talk. or something.

I had just bought a water and I thought I could give him that. But fear stopped me. FEAR!!! I'm ashamed to admit this, but FEAR of all things gripped at my heart.

I did another loop around him wishing there was something I could do, and convincing myself I had nothing. I biked away. I. biked. away. from. the. man. i. was. convicted. to. give. something. to. I did. (How hypocritical of me because I have been telling my friends how I am excited to do mission work, but i couldn't leave my water bottle for man???) I'm ashamed to say it now, but I left.

I was trying to tell God to explain myself that I didn't have anything to give, and that it wasn't safe to walk up to a sleeping homeless man. And GLORY TO GOD, he removed his spirit from me for a split second. for a split second, i felt complete hopelessness. i immediately stopped my bike to turn around.

I can't live without my God. I can't live without His spirit. I turned around and asked God what he wanted me to give him. And he told me that my bible was in my backpack. a few weeks ago i bought a daily message bible and I had brought it with me today.

I sat down in the nearest park bench opened up my new bible and wrote: 'Sir, I hope you are enjoying your sleep. This is the only truth I know, that God loves you. Love, a follower of Jesus Christ'

Nothing special or ornate or profound, just the complete truth.

Then I left my bible with my water on top of it at the feet of the man.

God honors obedience so fully. He LOVES when we listen to him. he LOVES it! When we sacrifice feeling weird or just a little awkward or comfortable, he can work through us so much clearer.

Then God gave me a joy like I have never felt. I am so fully in love with Him. He has changed me so much since I have been fasting. I am not the same person. Thank you for your prayers. In a few more days it will be two months. It seems like longer than that.

I'd spend the rest of my life single with the God who knows how to love me best. I would have NEVER said that two months ago.

God wants to know you. and he wants you to know him because he knows how his love will change you forever.

Beloved, just let him love you.